Promised Land

Dear LA Drivers,

If you're the first person at a light, and especially at a lighted arrow, please pay attention to the stoplight. Or ask your passenger to pay attention for you. Because everyone behind you is counting on you to go the very second that the light turns green. We only have a predetermined allotted amount of time to get through said light, and it's up to you to lead as many people on through to the promised land.

We're counting on you.

Thanks!

It's on.

Dear LA Drivers,

Be warned...
http://www.wired.com/autopia/2010/12/new-app-marks-the-end-of-automotive-anonymity

Thanks!

Why??

Dear LA Drivers,

Could you please tell me why you drive at about 28mph when no one is in front of you? And why you tend to brake in this situation? I'm so confused.

Thanks!

Just.... Don't

Dear LA Drivers,

Please don't get a personalized license plate. And definitely don't get one if you're a guy. It doesn't show the people behind you that you're clever, it just shows us that you're lame enough to think that you're clever and dumb enough to pay extra to showcase it.

Thanks!

Karma

Dear LA Drivers,

The law states that when you see/hear an ambulance coming your way, you move over to the right and stop your car to give them the right of way. So when I move to my right, that's not a signal for you to speed past me because I'm giving YOU the right of way. You are actually supposed to stop like everyone else.

Or, if I'm the first car in a long line of cars at a red light and an ambulance is headed my way, I'm not going to drive through the intersection because I assume that the ambulance is NOT going to turn left in front of me. Do you see what I mean? That could be a potentially fatal accident for me, the EMT crew and the people in the ambulance. I'm not in that much of a hurry to get to work.

So the next time you see an ambulance with its sirens blaring, pull over and stop your car. Because if you ever need an ambulance, I'm pretty sure you'll want karma on your side.

Thanks!

CAPS LOCK

Dear LA Drivers,

There is one thing you could do that would make the driving experience so much more enjoyable for all. You could wave your hand in a gesture of thanks.

That simple raising of your right hand between your front seats is enough to negate any douchebag move you just pulled, it really is. And don't even GET me started on what you could get away with if you stuck your left hand out the window and waved...

See, your acknowledgment that you know you're a douchebag is the best thanks you could give to the person who tolerated the driving maneuver you got away with. It says to that person, "I'm sorry I just cut in front of you after driving on the sidewalk to get ahead of the line of cars you and the rest have been waiting in for over 10 minutes. I can't help it. I'm a douchebag." And that person will think, "WHAT THE F***!! WHO DOES THIS PERSON THINK HE... Oh, he waved. Alriiiiiiiight. You're welcome."

Do you get what I'm telling you? Without that wave, you've left that person thinking of curse words in caps lock. You've basically ruined that drive for that person. So do the right thing and wave.

Thanks!

Too Difficult

Dear LA Drivers,

If you come up to a stop sign, STOP YOUR CAR! It's not that difficult!

Thanks!

Private Time Concerns

Dear LA Drivers,

You might be surprised to know that no one wants to hear your music except you. No matter how cool you think the song you're playing is, really, that's your own private time. Time for you and your music and your thoughts. I appreciate your concerns, but you don't have to blast your techno-hip hop-80's-Beyonce mashup for the entire block to hear. We're good! We have our own private time music we like listening to while we drive!

Also, sometimes my car will be near yours and your thumping bass will make my insides shake. But don't worry about my insides because I worry about you. I worry about you, how you'll deal with being deaf in 3 years and how you'll deal with knowing you sterilized yourself listening to Lady Gaga.

Just think about these 3 things next time you reach over to turn your music up: private times, private parts and everyone's concerns.

Thanks!

Dream Scenarios

Dear LA Drivers,

You really should check your mirror after parking but before throwing your driver's side door open to get out. You seem to miss that rush hour traffic is driving towards you, the passenger sides of our cars about a foot away from the safely parked cars on the right. Inexplicably, you usually follow this stroke of genius by stepping out of your car as soon as you open your door, defying fate like the entitled rebel that you are.

Similarly, instead of waiting by the end of your parked car for a break in traffic, you walk right into the street to get in your car. Again you seem not to care that cars are barreling towards you at full speed.

I also note that you enjoy parking, opening your driver door as wide as it will go and walking away.*

Or you'll open said door in said manner and lean into your car to look for something, your butt hanging out for me to see and quickly look away from. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but there are doors on the other side of your car. You could look for the lost item from the right...

My dream scenario for these situations is as such: I swerve my car gently to the right and I take your door off. I'll make it your choice if you're in my path or not, I'm feeling generous. The only things holding me back are that I would get in trouble with the law and that there would be damage to my car. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt this way before.

So keep that in mind the next time you're about to park or about to get back in your car.

Thanks!

*My second place dream scenario for this situation is that I park my car to the side, look in my mirror and wait for a break in traffic before exiting, engage my car alarm, walk to your car and get in, driving it around the first corner and parking it where you can't see it. I would then leave your keys in the ignition, walk the long way around the block and wait for a break in traffic before getting back in my car and driving away.

Little Known Fact, pt 2

Dear LA Drivers,

Another little known fact about gas pedals: taking your foot off the gas pedal tells your car that you do not want it to go forward anymore. Your car will still go forward because of momentum, but it will not stay at the same speed as it did while you had your foot on the pedal. This is especially true when your car is headed uphill.

There really is no need to slam on your brakes. In fact, slamming your foot on the brakes when you see the red brake lights yards ahead of you is dangerous to everyone behind you and causes traffic. And the majority of the time, you don't actually need your car to stop suddenly, you need to slow down slightly.

And frankly, it's really annoying watching you tap on your brakes 50 times in one mile. Don't forget, your neurosis shows through the red lights on the back of your car.

If you need to slow down, try taking your foot off the gas pedal. It works wonders!

Thanks!

Crazy Phenomenon

Dear LA Drivers,

Here is a crazy phenomenon I've noticed for the past several years... The people who own the fastest cars drive the slowest. Why bother paying for all that horsepower or torque or stamina (or whatever you car types call it) if you're not going to use it? I'm morally offended when I see you drifting along in a fast car, holding up traffic.

I've tried to come up with reasons why you'd do such a thing, and they've boiled down to three.

1. You bought the car so people would stare at you and you're driving slowly to make sure that they can.
2. You're the kind of person who thinks that spending over $70,000 on a 2-seater car is acceptable, so you also think that people honking and waving their fist at you means they are honking to tell you they admire your car and are fist bumping you from afar. You are obviously the coolest person on the road!
3. You're an old man who bought the car to feel young but you still drive like an old person.

If any of the above sounds familiar, congratulations! You're starting to achieve some self awareness and by dinner tonight, you'll realize that you should stop driving slowly. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to show off your driving skills. I can't wait.

Thanks!

Little Known Fact, pt 1

Dear LA Drivers,

Here is what may be a little known fact... Pressing your foot on your gas pedal makes your car move forward as quickly as you want it to go (which depends on how hard you press). So for instance, when you're stopped at a light and it turns green, taking your foot off the brake alone isn't enough to move your car forward. Although your car will start to roll, you also have to move your foot to the right and press on the gas pedal to really get going.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is this: you really should use your gas pedal. Are you afraid that using it will hurt your car? Because your car is designed to get from 0 to 35 in less than 10 seconds, I promise. So please start using the tall, narrow piece of plastic that is to the right of the brake pedal you are so fond of. You may come to realize that you love it more!

Thanks!

Time Saver

Dear LA Drivers,

If traffic is backed up and no one is parked to the right, that doesn't mean that area is a lane for you to drive in. If there is no separate line painted for it, it's just street parking. That means, you wait in line like everyone else. That means, you don't zoom past everyone because you think your time is worth more than theirs, only to have to stop at the single parked car that is a block ahead of you, only to have to squeeze back into line. But if you DO zoom past everyone because you think your time is worth more than theirs, only to have to stop at the single parked car that is a block ahead of you, only to have to squeeze back into line, then I thank you for giving me this opportunity to tell you that no one likes you.

Thanks!

I Spy...

Dear LA Drivers,

Your car does not make you invisible. That means everyone sees you when you're popping a pimple or picking your nose, and that's gross!! So do that kind of stuff in the privacy of your own home, preferably when you're in your bathroom with the door closed.

Thanks!

Uncool

Dear LA Drivers,

In the last two days, you have almost hit me three times. In what could have potentially been really bad accidents if I hadn't swerved out of the way. Totally uncool.

Thanks!

So...

Dear LA Drivers,

You know how when you're in the right lane and you don't have much room and there are parked cars along the side and you need to squeeze into the left lane so you don't hit your car on the parked car...? I'm going to put it to you this way: is it better to stop your car and wait for an opportunity to drift to the left or is it better to swerve to the left without checking if a car is there, potentially hitting a moving car or, worse, pushing them into oncoming traffic? Think about it.

Thanks!

Compacted

Dear LA Drivers,

If you have a large car, please don't park in a compact spot.

You know who you are.

Thanks!

Secret

Dear LA Drivers,

Common sense should dictate that when you are changing lanes, that you will move over as quickly as possible. However, I've noticed that many of you are bucking tradition and you are driving in the middle of two lanes for the length of one or two city blocks. I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve with this method, but PICK A LANE, BUDDY! It's only after a quick honk from me that you realize what you're doing and you, in fact, pick a lane. What was going through your mind during this process, I wonder? Clue me in on your secret!

Thanks!

Courtesy

Dear LA Drivers,

Why are you making a right turn from the middle lane of a three-lane road? And why does it take you so long to make that turn? If you're going to turn right, get in the right-hand lane. If you're not going to move over, at least turn fast. It's the courteous thing to do.

Thanks!

First Post

Dear LA Drivers,

I am a native Angeleno who wants to get to my destination in a reasonable amount of time. If you are from somewhere else, please go home.

Thanks!