CAPS LOCK

Dear LA Drivers,

There is one thing you could do that would make the driving experience so much more enjoyable for all. You could wave your hand in a gesture of thanks.

That simple raising of your right hand between your front seats is enough to negate any douchebag move you just pulled, it really is. And don't even GET me started on what you could get away with if you stuck your left hand out the window and waved...

See, your acknowledgment that you know you're a douchebag is the best thanks you could give to the person who tolerated the driving maneuver you got away with. It says to that person, "I'm sorry I just cut in front of you after driving on the sidewalk to get ahead of the line of cars you and the rest have been waiting in for over 10 minutes. I can't help it. I'm a douchebag." And that person will think, "WHAT THE F***!! WHO DOES THIS PERSON THINK HE... Oh, he waved. Alriiiiiiiight. You're welcome."

Do you get what I'm telling you? Without that wave, you've left that person thinking of curse words in caps lock. You've basically ruined that drive for that person. So do the right thing and wave.

Thanks!

Too Difficult

Dear LA Drivers,

If you come up to a stop sign, STOP YOUR CAR! It's not that difficult!

Thanks!

Private Time Concerns

Dear LA Drivers,

You might be surprised to know that no one wants to hear your music except you. No matter how cool you think the song you're playing is, really, that's your own private time. Time for you and your music and your thoughts. I appreciate your concerns, but you don't have to blast your techno-hip hop-80's-Beyonce mashup for the entire block to hear. We're good! We have our own private time music we like listening to while we drive!

Also, sometimes my car will be near yours and your thumping bass will make my insides shake. But don't worry about my insides because I worry about you. I worry about you, how you'll deal with being deaf in 3 years and how you'll deal with knowing you sterilized yourself listening to Lady Gaga.

Just think about these 3 things next time you reach over to turn your music up: private times, private parts and everyone's concerns.

Thanks!

Dream Scenarios

Dear LA Drivers,

You really should check your mirror after parking but before throwing your driver's side door open to get out. You seem to miss that rush hour traffic is driving towards you, the passenger sides of our cars about a foot away from the safely parked cars on the right. Inexplicably, you usually follow this stroke of genius by stepping out of your car as soon as you open your door, defying fate like the entitled rebel that you are.

Similarly, instead of waiting by the end of your parked car for a break in traffic, you walk right into the street to get in your car. Again you seem not to care that cars are barreling towards you at full speed.

I also note that you enjoy parking, opening your driver door as wide as it will go and walking away.*

Or you'll open said door in said manner and lean into your car to look for something, your butt hanging out for me to see and quickly look away from. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but there are doors on the other side of your car. You could look for the lost item from the right...

My dream scenario for these situations is as such: I swerve my car gently to the right and I take your door off. I'll make it your choice if you're in my path or not, I'm feeling generous. The only things holding me back are that I would get in trouble with the law and that there would be damage to my car. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt this way before.

So keep that in mind the next time you're about to park or about to get back in your car.

Thanks!

*My second place dream scenario for this situation is that I park my car to the side, look in my mirror and wait for a break in traffic before exiting, engage my car alarm, walk to your car and get in, driving it around the first corner and parking it where you can't see it. I would then leave your keys in the ignition, walk the long way around the block and wait for a break in traffic before getting back in my car and driving away.