Little Known Fact, pt 2

Dear LA Drivers,

Another little known fact about gas pedals: taking your foot off the gas pedal tells your car that you do not want it to go forward anymore. Your car will still go forward because of momentum, but it will not stay at the same speed as it did while you had your foot on the pedal. This is especially true when your car is headed uphill.

There really is no need to slam on your brakes. In fact, slamming your foot on the brakes when you see the red brake lights yards ahead of you is dangerous to everyone behind you and causes traffic. And the majority of the time, you don't actually need your car to stop suddenly, you need to slow down slightly.

And frankly, it's really annoying watching you tap on your brakes 50 times in one mile. Don't forget, your neurosis shows through the red lights on the back of your car.

If you need to slow down, try taking your foot off the gas pedal. It works wonders!

Thanks!

Crazy Phenomenon

Dear LA Drivers,

Here is a crazy phenomenon I've noticed for the past several years... The people who own the fastest cars drive the slowest. Why bother paying for all that horsepower or torque or stamina (or whatever you car types call it) if you're not going to use it? I'm morally offended when I see you drifting along in a fast car, holding up traffic.

I've tried to come up with reasons why you'd do such a thing, and they've boiled down to three.

1. You bought the car so people would stare at you and you're driving slowly to make sure that they can.
2. You're the kind of person who thinks that spending over $70,000 on a 2-seater car is acceptable, so you also think that people honking and waving their fist at you means they are honking to tell you they admire your car and are fist bumping you from afar. You are obviously the coolest person on the road!
3. You're an old man who bought the car to feel young but you still drive like an old person.

If any of the above sounds familiar, congratulations! You're starting to achieve some self awareness and by dinner tonight, you'll realize that you should stop driving slowly. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to show off your driving skills. I can't wait.

Thanks!

Little Known Fact, pt 1

Dear LA Drivers,

Here is what may be a little known fact... Pressing your foot on your gas pedal makes your car move forward as quickly as you want it to go (which depends on how hard you press). So for instance, when you're stopped at a light and it turns green, taking your foot off the brake alone isn't enough to move your car forward. Although your car will start to roll, you also have to move your foot to the right and press on the gas pedal to really get going.

Okay, what I'm trying to say is this: you really should use your gas pedal. Are you afraid that using it will hurt your car? Because your car is designed to get from 0 to 35 in less than 10 seconds, I promise. So please start using the tall, narrow piece of plastic that is to the right of the brake pedal you are so fond of. You may come to realize that you love it more!

Thanks!

Time Saver

Dear LA Drivers,

If traffic is backed up and no one is parked to the right, that doesn't mean that area is a lane for you to drive in. If there is no separate line painted for it, it's just street parking. That means, you wait in line like everyone else. That means, you don't zoom past everyone because you think your time is worth more than theirs, only to have to stop at the single parked car that is a block ahead of you, only to have to squeeze back into line. But if you DO zoom past everyone because you think your time is worth more than theirs, only to have to stop at the single parked car that is a block ahead of you, only to have to squeeze back into line, then I thank you for giving me this opportunity to tell you that no one likes you.

Thanks!

I Spy...

Dear LA Drivers,

Your car does not make you invisible. That means everyone sees you when you're popping a pimple or picking your nose, and that's gross!! So do that kind of stuff in the privacy of your own home, preferably when you're in your bathroom with the door closed.

Thanks!

Uncool

Dear LA Drivers,

In the last two days, you have almost hit me three times. In what could have potentially been really bad accidents if I hadn't swerved out of the way. Totally uncool.

Thanks!

So...

Dear LA Drivers,

You know how when you're in the right lane and you don't have much room and there are parked cars along the side and you need to squeeze into the left lane so you don't hit your car on the parked car...? I'm going to put it to you this way: is it better to stop your car and wait for an opportunity to drift to the left or is it better to swerve to the left without checking if a car is there, potentially hitting a moving car or, worse, pushing them into oncoming traffic? Think about it.

Thanks!

Compacted

Dear LA Drivers,

If you have a large car, please don't park in a compact spot.

You know who you are.

Thanks!

Secret

Dear LA Drivers,

Common sense should dictate that when you are changing lanes, that you will move over as quickly as possible. However, I've noticed that many of you are bucking tradition and you are driving in the middle of two lanes for the length of one or two city blocks. I'm not sure what you're trying to achieve with this method, but PICK A LANE, BUDDY! It's only after a quick honk from me that you realize what you're doing and you, in fact, pick a lane. What was going through your mind during this process, I wonder? Clue me in on your secret!

Thanks!