Crazy Phenomenon

Dear LA Drivers,

Here is a crazy phenomenon I've noticed for the past several years... The people who own the fastest cars drive the slowest. Why bother paying for all that horsepower or torque or stamina (or whatever you car types call it) if you're not going to use it? I'm morally offended when I see you drifting along in a fast car, holding up traffic.

I've tried to come up with reasons why you'd do such a thing, and they've boiled down to three.

1. You bought the car so people would stare at you and you're driving slowly to make sure that they can.
2. You're the kind of person who thinks that spending over $70,000 on a 2-seater car is acceptable, so you also think that people honking and waving their fist at you means they are honking to tell you they admire your car and are fist bumping you from afar. You are obviously the coolest person on the road!
3. You're an old man who bought the car to feel young but you still drive like an old person.

If any of the above sounds familiar, congratulations! You're starting to achieve some self awareness and by dinner tonight, you'll realize that you should stop driving slowly. Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to show off your driving skills. I can't wait.

Thanks!